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Jokes - Indian Political
Lalloo was traveling by car along a country side road in Bihar, when all of a sudden a piglet
jumps in front of the car.
The piglet dies on the spot. Lalloo gets upset, send his chauffeur to find the owner of the piglet so that he can
pay the damages.
Chauffeur returns with a bag full of money with a wondering look on his face.
Lalloo asks the driver
“what happened”.
Driver says “When I reached the village, I told villagers that the pig came under the car which was driven by me".
They all gathered around me and I thought I will get beating of my lifetime from villagers.
At the end
I told them "I
am Lalloo's driver”.
Then they started collecting money and given me.
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When Lalloo completed 25 years of his rule in Bihar, he wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it.
So he instructed Rabri Devi, stressing that stamp should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly
released,
and Lalloo was pleased. But within a couple of days of release of the stamp, he began
hearing complains that the
stamp was not sticking properly, and Lallo became furious.
He called Rabri and ordered her to investigate the matter.
Rabri checked out the matter at several post offices,and then reported on the problem to Lalloo.
She said: " The stamp is really of international quality but problem is, everyone is spitting on the wrong side."
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Lalloo goes to a cigarette shop and asked “Bhai ek Will dena”.
Guy selling the cigarettes told Lalloo “Hey Mr. There is nothing by the name of Will, it is Wills”
But Lalloo insisted for Will. So the person told him angrily “Unless you say it correctly as Wills I won't
sell it to you”
Lalloo went mad and said "Hum sahi bol rahen hai, Hum ek hi to maang rahen hain pura packet nahin maang rahen hain".
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Lalloo's wife was driving a car with Lalloo sitting next to her.
She suspects that cars left and
right turn signals not working.
So she stops the car on the side of the road and asks the Lalloo
if he doesn't mind stepping out of the car to check the turn lights
while she tests them. Lalloo steps out
and stands in front of the car.
Lalloo's wife turns on turn signal lights and ask him "Abhi ye light chalu hai kya nahi bolo"
Lalloo responds "Chalu hai....Chalu nahi hai....Chalu hai.... Chalu nahi hai....Chalu hai....Chalu nahi hai…. "
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After long tiring travel Lalloo reaches NY and decides to have some liquor to get relieved from Jet Lag.
Lalloo goes to a bar in NY. Person on Lalloo's left tells bartender “Johniee Walker, Single”. Lalloo hears it.
Person on Lalloo's right tells bartender “Jack Daniels, Single”. Lalloo hears it.
Bartender turns to Lalloo and ask him “And you, Sir”
Lalloo says “Lalloo P., Married”.
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Japanese Prime Minister visited Bihar with Lalloo. Prime Minister was impressed by Bihar's
natural mineral resources, human resources and hard working people. Prime Minister feels very sorry
about the status of Bihar and with great determination Prime Minister urges Lalloo
"Give me Bihar to manage for 3 years and I will turn Bihar into another Japan”
Lalloo gets surprised and tells the Prime Minister
"3 years !!!, you are damn inefficient. Give me your Japan and I will turn it into Bihar within 3 months”
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Lalloo become Prime Minister and goes to Pakistan for one-on-one talk with General Parvez Musharaff.
They decide to meet for about 60 minutes but finished in 5 minutes. Laloo first emerges from the room.
Reporters clamour for a statement.
Lalloo tells "Parvezbhai will make the announcement".
Parvez Musharaff comes out and drops a
bombshell "Pakistan has decided to give up all claims on Kashmir, with no strings attached"
The world is stunned. Lalloo has achieved in 5 minutes what others had failed to in 50 years!
How did you do it, what did you promise, the press clamours.
Lalloo says "Yeh sab idea akhabar-waalon ka hai, Woh kehte hain na, TV loge tho fridge free doonga, video
khareedein
to cellphone free... tho ham bhi Parvezbhai se keh diye: "Aapko Kashmir chaahiye na? Le jaayie.
Magar, saath mein bihar free milega, bas!"
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Lalloo gets new computer as well as free Internet connection. After 2/3 days he
goes out side his house
to check his letterbox.His neighbor keeps an eye on Lalloo.Lalloo finds no letters
in the box, so goes back
inside his house. One minute later,again he comes out
and checks the letterbox. He finds no letters
and goes back. One minute later,
again he comes outside to check his letterbox and for the
3rd time
he finds no letters in the box. Now, Neighbor is confused. One minute later, Lalloo
again comes out 4th time to check the letterbox.
This time,
his neighbor tells "Lallooji, postman 3 ghante ke baad ayega.
Bar bar letterbox nahi dekho".
Lalloo responds, “Bhai mera computer bar bar bol raha hai - You have got mail”
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A young man aspiring to become politician decides to replace his brain by a political person's brain.
He goes to doctor. Doctor tells him “Only 2 brains are left”.
Man curiously asks “Whose are those and what is the price”.
Doctor tells him “Vajpayee's brain for Rs.2 and Lalloo's brain for Rs.2,00,000”.
Man is amazed at prices and asks doctor “Why Lalloo's brain much more costlier than Vajpayee's”.
Doctor replies “Vajpayee's brain was used a lot”.
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Lalloo decides to go for hunting lion along with his other 2 friends. The first friends hunts 1 lion.
Lalloo asks him “How did you got lion hunt”.
Friend replies “I saw tracks, followed tracks and shot a lion”.
Second friend also gets lion hunt. Lalloo ask same question.
Friend replies “I saw tracks, followed tracks and shot a lion”.
Lalloo says OK I will go for lion hunt and get 2 lion hunts.
Lalloo returns with broken bones. Friends ask Lalloo what happened
Lalloo say “I saw tracks, followed tracks but got hit by train”
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Lalloo boards the plane for Patna and takes the sit in first class section. Airhostess approached
Lalloo and requested him to move to economy class as he did not have a Business class ticket.
Lalloo replied, "I'm Lalloo-Chief Minister of Bihar, and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue, Airhostess asked the Co-pilot to speak to Lalloo.
He went to Lalloo, asking him to move out of the Business class section.
Lalloo replied, "I'm Lalloo-Chief Minister of Bihar, and I'm not moving."
Co-pilot returned to the cockpit and told the Captain about situation.
Captain said, "I am from Bihar, I know how to handle Lalloo."
Captain went to Lalloo whispered in Lalloo's ear. Lalloo immediately jumped out
of his seat and ran to the Economy class.
Surprised, Airhostess and the Co-pilot asked Captain what he said to Lalloo.
Captain said, I told him “The Business class section of plane will not be going to Patna."
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Lalloo on his USA tour reaches Orlando. He decides to drive himself to go to
Disney Land.
He hires a car and drives thru LA strictly as per road map
and road signs. Finally, he reaches
close but does not see any Disney sign.
After long search Lalloo gets fed up and drives into
gas station and asks the
person inside. Person replies "Ohhhh…..Disney, Left ....” .
Frustrated Lalloo turns around and drives back home.
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Lalloo went to US and had a meeting with Bill Clinton.
Clinton says “Lalloo, I want to show you the technological progress of US, come with me”.
Clinton takes Lalloo into deep forest and ask Lalloo to start digging. Tired Lalloo looks at Bill Clinton but
Bill tells “Dig further don't stop”. Lalloo starts again. Bill says “More , more”.
Finally at 200 feet Lalloo finds a wire.
Lalloo says “Bill, I found the wire”.
Bill says “You see that proves we had telephone 100 years back”.
Frustrated Lalloo at the end of US tour invites Bill Clinton to Bihar. Later when Clinton arrives in Bihar
Lalloo tells Clinton “Come with me and I will show you the progress made by Bihar”.
Lalloo takes Bill to the forest and ask him to dig. After some time Bill Clinton stops and look at Lalloo.
Lalloo says “Bill Saheb go on digging”. After sometime Bill gets tired and looks at Lalloo.
Lalloo says “Go on digging don't stop” Bill Clinton digs further and reaches 200 feet and finds nothing.
Frustrated Bill Clinton “What is this, I don't find anything even at 200 feet”.
Lalloo laughs and says “Sir, that is our progress, 100 years ago we had gone wireless telephone”
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Lalloo gets fed of Bihar and decides to settle in USA. He lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan.
He had to take the ferryboat to his office and back home. One evening, when he riches ferry and finds that there is
some more time for next ferry boat. So Lalloo decides to go to nearby pub. After long time suddenly he looks at watch
and finds it was too late to catch the ferry boat. Thinking that ferry has left the gate, he goes running to ferry gate
and finds that ferry is just eight feet away. With all his energy he runs very fast and make a long jump directly
on the deck of ferry. Lalloo was thrilled at own successful jump. Sailor on the deck was surprised.
Lalloo asked the Sailor "Did you not like my jump, buddy?"
Sailor says "It was great, but why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"
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Lalloo and Mulayam agreed to settle their dispute by a fight and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit
should say "Bas Karo". Mulayam got Lalloo down and was hammering him unmercifully even though Lalloo shouted several times
"Bas Karo, Bas Karo" but Mulayam paid no attention and kept on hammering Lalloo.
A bystander said, "Why don't you let him get up? Don't you hear him say Bas Karo?"
Mulayam says "I do hear him, but he's such a liar, you can't believe him
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Lalloo decides to file his application form for assembly election of Bihar.
So goes to election
office in Patna-Bihar and takes the form.
He is about to start filling it but suddenly stops and
tells his secretary
“Humara Delhi ka ticket book karo. Hum ye faram Delhi me pura karenge”.
Surprised secretary asks “Aap ye faram Delhi mein hi kyo bharana chahate ho”.
Lalloo replies “Are bhai ishi faram mein likha hai - Write in Capital”.
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Lalloo was doing ‘Padyatra’ through the villages in Bihar during election time. He felt thirsty and decided to ask
at a hut for some water.Lady from hut opens the doors and get angry to see Lalloo but without showing her
anger she invites him in with a smile. She gives him water in bowl.There was a one dog moving around,
giving Lalloo a great deal of attention.
Lalloo comments "What a nice dog, I had never seen such a friendly dog".
Lady replies "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you are using."
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Lalloo was about to write a letter to Rabri. He remembers that last time she was reading his previous letter
very very slowly as she can not read fast.So, Lalloo thinks for a while and start writing with the first line
‘My Dear Rabri, I know you can not read fast. Don't worry. I will make it easy for you,
I am writing this letter very very slowly.'
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American : Sell half the cows in markets all over the world. Convince each of the remaining cows to
produce milk of four cows. Later when there is a slight drop in
milk produced, lay them off.
French : Have some cows. Go on strike because they want more cows.
Japanese : Redesign the cows to one-tenth the size of regular cow.
Later expect
the cows to work 25 hours a day.
German : Re-engineer the cows. So, they live for 100 years,
eat only once a month,
survive all weather conditions and give beer instead of milk.
Italian : Have some cows but don't know where they are. So,
break for lunch.
Russian : First decide to count cows and learn to have 5 cows. Second count
gives 42 cows. Third
count gives 12 cows. Decide to stop counting now but resume it after another bottle of vodka.
Mexican : They are told that they have cows, but don't know how a cow looks like.
So decide to take a nap.
Swiss : Has millions of cows, none of which belongs to them.
Decide to store them for others.
Chinese : Have some cows. Sign a contract with American Corporation and sell
milk to them.
British : Have couple of hundreds of cows. Not staistfied. Gets an order
from Buckingham Palace to take control of cows all over the world.
Brazilian : Have only two cows. Starts a new Corporation of dairy products.
Next day declares bankruptcy.
Singaporian : Have few cows. Immediately, starts thinking to open a new shopping center for cows.
Indian : Have many cows. First worship them, then milk them and then before selling mix water into milk.
Pakistani : Have some cows, all received from parent Corporation in India.
Still
try to exercise claims on cows owned by Indian Corporation.
Contributed by: Mr. B V Prabhakara
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Lifeguard at swiming pool: "Hey, Mr. Lalloo, I've been watching you for last 15 days and
you will have
to stop urinating in the swimming pool like this”.
Lalloo: “Hum hi nahi, Sabhi yehi karte hai”
Lifeguard shouts: "Not from the diving board?"
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Saddam Hussein, Pervez Musharraf and Laloo lined up to meet God.
Saddam Hussein goes to God and asks him "God when shall I see the defeat of Bill Clinton?"
God replies "Son, you will not see it in your lifetime."
Hearing this, Saddam Hussein starts crying and goes away.
Pervez Musharraf goes to God and asks him "God when shall I see the capture of Kashmir by Pakistan?"
God replies "Son, you will not see it in your lifetime."
Hearing this, Pervez Musharraf starts crying and goes away.
Laloo goes to God and asks him "God when shall I see Bihar becoming a prosperous and happy state?"
Hearing this, God starts crying.
Laloo is astounded and asks "Oh God, why are you crying?"
God replies: "Son, I will not see that it in my lifetime".
Contributed by: Mr. Shrirang Chittar
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